A Letter to Self: Gratitude Isn’t a Solution
The covert consequences of gratitude.
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I never considered being grateful harmful until only recently. I’ve always believed in the concept of gratitude — its power and benefits — for as long as I can remember, especially as a first-generation Filipino American.
The differences in the way of life between the United States and the Philippines, are daunting. For me, they are huge and overwhelmingly apparent. It’s like comparing McDonald’s to a five-star restaurant (I love you McDo, but I just want to be real). The U.S. isn’t perfect, but if we’re solely talking about opportunities and the life chances to improve one’s quality of life, the U.S. is king. Opportunities in the Philippines, with its long history of colonization and the current oppressive systems in places, are scarce, so much so that many feel the need to escape from it — the unbearable lethargy of choicelessness.
I say all this to make a point that by living here in the United States — with a worldview that is shaped by their positionality of someone who lived in a developing country without much — there is this long-drawn-out feeling, almost automatic and unconscious, of overwhelming gratefulness for living here. Being here. And it compounded each time I was given opportunities that I couldn’t even fathom happening even as of today: the opportunity to get an education; the opportunity to get a job; the opportunity to travel; the opportunity to pursue your passion; and the opportunity to have issues outside of what is needed for survival.
And it was because of these different life experiences and opportunities between my past and present realities that prompted me to believe that the way to live is to be more grateful. More accurately, it prompted me to believe that the only feeling I should have is to be grateful. And everything would be perfect if I was. There was no room for anything else, and if there was, I wasn’t allowed to make a choice. I should never complain. I should never be negative. In effect, I felt an insurmountable debt to the universe itself for me being alive and enjoying the new-found privileges that I have.
In other words, instead of having gratefulness as my greatest benefactor, it became, unknowingly, my unfortunate oppressor.
Ultimately, what I was doing to myself was that I wasn’t acknowledging how I was truly feeling at certain points in time. Truthfully, I didn’t even give myself the opportunity to look at them in the eyes, let alone address them. The feelings of loneliness, sadness, disgust, and disappointment — I would shove all of them under a rug, then take out a mirror to tell myself that it could be worse. And so as gratefulness compounded over time, so did the non-urgency and indifference to the silent yet detrimental emotions that were affecting me. Sadly, the disparity between the two kept growing larger.
And this realization drove me to a corner.
I was confused and filled with doubt. It led me to wonder if I was truly grateful because if I was, would I truly feel the other not-so-positive-feelings that I have?
But one random day, a sudden realization and clearing of the mind came over me— like a hatch opening to drain a tub filled with water only within a few minutes, despite it being filled by constant little droplets of water over the course of a lifetime.
Why do I have to choose one over the other? Better yet, why do I treat gratefulness as a solution? I’ve realized that I’ve been using gratefulness as a personal shield to neglect everything else that I was feeling. The truth of the matter is, I can feel grateful, and I can also feel other things. As a human being, I am allowed to feel the full spectrum of our human emotion.
The truth of the matter is, I can feel grateful, and I can also feel other things. As a human being, I am allowed to feel the full spectrum of our human emotion.
This was the missing link that I didn’t realize for the longest time.
But it was in this process that I’ve also come to a more important realization: gratitude is rarely talked about in the context that needs to be criticized. For the most part, we always talk about what to be grateful for, why we should be grateful, and how to be grateful. We oversell them, and it has gotten to the point where we hand them out like proverbs masked in so much positivity and optimism that the thought of questioning it has become absurd. As a matter of fact, if you are not grateful, then your issues must stem from that fact, and those same issues are now, unreasonably, rendered invalid.
But the truth is, while there are many good sides to gratefulness, there are also ugly truths to it that are inconspicuous, and as a result, could become harmful if one isn’t aware of it.
As I mentioned earlier, stop treating gratitude like it’s a solution to life. There is this false yet dominant narrative when we talk about gratitude, and that is that if you are grateful, all your problems cease to exist. But this belief is delusional. What you’re doing is ignoring reality. And the reality is that there are other things going on in your life that must be dealt with, and it’s not dealt with simply being grateful. It doesn’t work that way. Because gratitude is only one asset in your life; it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Because gratitude is only one asset in your life; it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.
When you land a new job, you can feel excited. You can even feel thankful. When a loved one dies, you can feel pain. You can grief. And you can cry. When someone breaks into your home, you can feel grateful that no one got hurt. But never forget that you are also allowed to feel angry, anxious, and disappointed — and it’s actually because of these feelings that will lead you to find solutions that will help to ensure that it never happens again to you, or even perhaps to anyone else, in the future.
Different situations call for different emotions. The way to properly acknowledge your issues to accept the fact that you have them, and the proper way to accept them is to deal with them, and the only proper way to deal with them is with an appropriate response. You have the self-responsibility to unconditionally and unequivocally welcome and accept the candid and automatic responses that you feel at any given moment. That means being aware of the feelings that are whirling inside of you, and never give in to the idea that they are to be ignored or rejected. The great news is that we are more than capable of doing so. There is plenty of room and space for feelings that can exist within ourselves. The feelings of sadness, anger, envy, excitement, happiness — they are all valid feelings that we experience, and we should treat them with as much attention and importance as gratitude.
You have the self-responsibility to unconditionally and unequivocally welcome and accept the candid and automatic responses that you feel at any given moment.
With that said, I want to end with one final point, and perhaps the most important one. You should never force others to feel grateful. It’s not an asset you can weaponize to dismiss and neglect other people’s problems — that it could be worse, or that they should just be thankful that they are even alive, or that they should stop complaining, or that it’s because they are ungrateful that their problems keep arising. Just because you feel grateful in life and everything is good and dandy on your side, doesn’t mean the world isn’t allowed to have any more problems in life. Their problems, and the feelings they feel associated with them, are as valid as yours. It’s about having empathy with people’s lived experiences and realities. And that’s because the world doesn’t revolve around you — it revolves with all of us in it together.
At the end of the day, gratefulness in of itself is a great approach to live life to its fullest. It’s an act of kindness that you can give yourself. But we should never use it to dismiss what you and others truly feel inside. When you feel grateful, acknowledge it. And if you feel terrible, acknowledge that feeling as well. There is space for every feeling, and you are allowed to not only feel both but also everything in between. And that’s the unique beauty of being human — to feel the depth and complexities of our humanity.
