It’s Okay to Have a Hard Time Moving Past Your Failures
I’m tired of hearing that “it’s just part of life.”
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During the past couple of weeks, especially while being in quarantine due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve had a lot of time to myself. And a lot of time to reflect on my life. Admittedly, I spent a lot more time doing that than I preferred doing so. I usually look at my past with acceptance, and I’m the person who wants to be present and look forward to a new tomorrow.
But lately, it’s been heavy. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my past mistakes, and the resulting feelings of failure and regret inside of me. You know what they say: we remember the shortcomings we’ve experienced more than the blessings we’ve been given. Despite understanding this, I couldn’t shake off this heavy feeling that man — I’ve made a lot of mistakes. As cliché as it sounds, what was I thinking?
I think one of the most memorable feelings of failure I’ve ever had that I’m comfortable sharing is when I wasn’t accepted to the design major during my time in college. I’ve failed to get the passing grade in order to be automatically admitted (a 3.7). Then, I tried my luck in passing the interview to fill up one of the remaining spots in the design cohort. But in that attempt, I also failed. Due to various reasons, mostly financially, I opted to pursue a bachelor's degree in communications that I eventually graduated with. Even though I’m happy with this decision, I think for a long time, I’ve always held this feeling of inferiority amongst the people who got in, who were pursuing design as a major. This feeling seeped into my work and the art that I would create, thinking that they weren’t good enough. In fact, I thought they were so bad that I shied myself away from collaborating with other people just because I also thought I wasn’t good enough to be with them.
Obviously, I can’t do anything about it now. And I know this too well.
I’ve done my fair share of learning how to overcome failure. I’ve read various books and articles on it, watched countless videos, and listened to inspiring stories from different kinds of people.
But frankly, I’m over it.
Nowadays, it’s all the same thing. All we do is come up with solutions on how to get over your past and what to do moving forward.
They tell you that your mistakes do not define who you are. True.
They also say it’s no use of crying over spilled milk. That is also true.
They add that failures are a part of life, and it’s those very failures that can you make stronger if you learn from them. True enough.
Learn from them. Accept them. Mistakes are necessary. Do what you can. Recognize all the mistakes that you didn’t make. Be kinder to yourself. Look towards the future. True, true, true, true, and true.
Look. These are all well and true. And for the most part, it has helped me during my most troubled and turbulent moments. But all of this advice — I’m over them. They’re all the same, and I’m sick of it.
It’s about time we go beyond all of this monotonous, wishy-washy, and vapid advice that no longer holds any sort of significance because we forget the most important thing of all: the process.
What is rarely shared among the multitude of solutions to overcome failure is what that process actually looks like. Mostly, these solutions are rooted in the attitude of obtaining a shatterproof, end product. In other words, the idea is that once you implement some of the solutions that they’ve mentioned, you should be permanently cured and good to go.
It goes something like this: You have feelings of failure. Here is what you do. The end.
But does it always end there? I beg to differ.
The truth is, failure is like a boomerang. On one end of the spectrum, you'll find solutions that will allow you to throw the boomerang so far that you might even end up forgetting about your failures for a long time. On the other hand, sometimes you’ll only be able to throw the boomerang at such a short distance that it’s won’t be long until you get reminded of your failures. But in both scenarios, the boomerang always comes back to you.
No matter how much meditation you do, or how future-forward-looking you are as a person, the truth of the matter is, that’s the reality of failure. It’s part of you, and it will always remain a part of you and your memories.
It’s recurring. It’s continual. And it’s normal.
The process of overcoming your failure is not linear.
For the longest time, each time I was reminded of the same mistakes or when the feelings of failures come back to me because of those mistakes, I always thought that I’ve somehow ended up back in the starting line again. I would think that I didn’t really grow past it, and I just went in a circle. I felt pathetic. However, here’s the thing that I wished I realized sooner. The process of overcoming your failure is not linear.
You can feel like you are on top of the world for a day. And tomorrow, for whatever reason, you can feel like a failure. Or for a few weeks, your focus has solely been on improving yourself that it makes you feel like your mistakes and feelings of failure are behind you. But one random day, it comes out of nowhere and you’re thinking about the same mistakes all over again.
Give yourself a hug. That’s normal.
While it’s important to have different strategies and solutions to overcome failure, it’s also as important to understand that it’s an ongoing process. It’s not a one-time thing. We implement the solutions again and again — indefinitely — for as long as we are alive. Because chances are it will come back up again. They are truly never gone.
And we must learn to live with that. And if your mistakes and failures have become too heavy that you can’t shake it off, one helpful way to deal with it is to remind yourself that you did not go back to where you started. You just simply took a detour, and again, that’s normal.
So if you feel like you’re having a hard time moving past your failures, let me be one of the first people to tell you: it’s okay.
